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Book 12 Character Synopses (Massive spoilers)

Book 12 Character Synopses (Massive spoilers) – October 30, 2009 2:58 PM (edited 10/30/09 10:58 AM)
Airclair (1096 posts) Doesn't Play Well with Others
Rating: Not Rated
Quote from: Dorkfiend on October 29, 2009, 05:42:57 PM

I bought the book Tuesday night and finished by Wednesday morning. I know I missed the big spoilers craze already, but if anyone still wants them, here's a character-by-character synopsis.

Rand: Acts crazy. And has been spending too much time bending light in the Warbreaker universe.
Mat: Complains about gurls and pays a brief visit to some other (literary) universe. Stephen King, call your office.
Perrin: Dithers and moans.
Nynave: Yanks her braid while calling Mat all kinds of startling things.
Egwene: Acts uppity to her elders. And is guilty of forgery.
Elayne: Acts petulant, sniffs, raises her chin, folds her arms under her breasts, takes baths, and changes clothes a lot. Probably.
Avienda: Drips.
Min: Needs a chir'o'practor or similar ter'angreal.
Lan: Is going the distance. He's going for SPEED. He's all alone (ALL ALONE) all alone in his time of need.
Moiraine: Wouldn't even *recognize* Siuan.
Moridin: Takes a nap.
Semirhage: Eats beans in an unusual way.
Graendal: Gets punched in the face.
Demandred: Explains everything, provided you can decipher everything from three extremely uninformative sentences of four words each.
Cadsuane: Acts condescending. For everyone else's good, of course.
Thom: Gets fewer lines than Talmanes, of all people.
Juilin: Gets fewer lines than Thom.
Talmanes: Gets a new pipe and a personality transplant.
Jain Bloody Farstrider: Is Thom's brother, or his servant, or maybe both.
Bayle Domon: Mumbles once.
Loial: Is aka Ogier Not Even Mentioned In This Book.
Beonin, Leane, Logain, Taim, Mattin Steppaneos, and many other characters-of-interest: Who the hell knows? Dammit, I *enjoyed* all that detail!!!
Lews Therin Telamon: Likes Weiramon. Go figure.
Sheriam: Gets a haircut.
Siuan: Tells fishin' stories.
Gareth Bryne: Sleeps with his sword.
Rodel Ituralde: Can't go home.
Davram Bashere: Can't either.
Lord Agelmere: Can. BUT WILL HE?
Hurin: Is still a dork.
Tam al'Thor: Is a very bad actor. The critics rate him "half a balefire".
Berelain: Doesn't sleep with Perrin.
Faile: Doesn't sleep.
Tuon: Dies. May she live forever.
Laras: Ain't a darkfriend.
Elaida: Is made to Suffa.
Gawyn: Annoys Egwene almost as much as he annoys me.
Shemerin: Finds an exciting new occupation.
Aldrin: Stuns me that so many people actually remember where we first met him. I only *thought* I was a wot maniac!
The BA Hunters: Pities da fools.
Hopper: Hops. Really.
Bela: Lives! 'Nuff said.

Verin... Alas, Verin can't be written off so quickly.
Verin:
* reminds us that in the Old Tongue, you can't "verb" any noun, nor can you "noun" any verb.
* reminds us that in the Old Tongue, "ta'veren" means "bloody huge plot contrivance".
* should have her own Old Tongue word: "O'Ran'Jah'Jah".
* is not only a BA, but is also a BA.
* woke my wife up so that I could gloat that what she thought was my most wild-assed theory was 100% right.

And finally....

Asmodean: Is dead. RAFO.

By the first Oath, you know my words to be true, from one who lived it.

Not the best book in the series, but far from the worst. Some of the scenes were fabulous. A scant few felt completely out of place. A lot of the subtleties we know and love are absent except in a scant few places I'm pretty sure were RJ-penned. I loved BS's take on Mat's sharper, wittier character. I really didn't like BS's take on Verin's character, especially when she was talking to Mat.

All in all, BS has done RJ Justice. And speaking of Justice, nice sword.

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