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Eric Daravon

Male human/satyr/eagle fighter/ranger/rogue
Dungeons & Dragons 3rd Edition (Brian's Hag Campaign)

Author's Note

The text of this document is the unedited original work written shortly after the end of the hag campaign. It is slightly exaggerated, though not by as much as you might think. It has been posted here to immortalize it for all time in obscure Internet site glory.

Sadly, Eric's character sheet has been lost, though given the number of reincarnations most of it was illegible by the end anyway. As I recall, he was constantly bouncing between levels 6 and 7. I believe he was a fighter 2/ranger 2/rogue 2 who kept gaining (and losing) a third level of rogue.

The Story of Eric Daravon

* Eric, the sole survivor of a party of wandering fighter-ranger-rogues that was attacked by orcs, runs into a kender rogue in the woods with an unpronounceable first name. The two become friends, or at the very least allies, and Eric decides to just call his interesting new friend Set. He does not tell Set anything of his past, nor does he ever tell anyone else anything of his past. Some wonder if he even has a past, or if he just appeared in those woods. The world may never know.

The pair run into a trio of troglodytes in the forest on their way to the nearest town. Assuming that troglodytes couldn’t smell that bad, they charge, only to be nauseated and weakened by three troglodytes whose stenches were not only legendary in their sheer vileness, but apparently all so different from one another as to cause three separate cases of nausea at once. The pair retreat and engage them with missile weapons, then engage in melee once more, feeling the nausea all over again. Eric decides that enough is enough and swears vengeance, fighting through the terrible pain and kicking some troglodyte ass in the process. One trog escapes, thus setting a trend of Eric’s vengeance swearing not being fulfilled.

* The pair arrive in some fishing village, noticing an incredibly foolish paladin making, well, a fool of himself. They laugh.

* For a little bit of lesser restoration, needed after all that legendary trog nausea, and a promised prize of 100 gold pieces and a “special boon” each, Eric and Set agree to investigate a newly opened crypt beneath the local Temple of Heironeous.

* After some problems with a rope, the pair fight some ghouls and win with little problem. This would be the only simple battle inside the crypt.

* The two continue and run into a pack of stirges, who nearly suck them dry. Eric swears vengeance, but most of them get away, fattened by the blood they sucked. The ones that die do so gruesomely, however, to Eric’s twisted pleasure. OK, fine, he just wants to think that because a bunch of big mosquitoes kicked his ass. Whatever.

* The clerics use more lesser restoration on the pair and send them back into the crypts. Eric and Set believe the stirges were a fluke, and the rest will be cake. They are clearly morons.

* After the room with the stirges, Set and Eric find some fungus and fight it, thereafter needing yet more lesser restoration from the clerics, which costs them their prize money. It also costs them the respect of the clerics, who spend much time laughing at them for having such a hard time fighting fungus.

* Back in the crypts again, the two find a cavern with a 10-foot chasm dividing it, as well as a party of orcs on the other side. Set crosses the bridge, only to have it kicked away so Eric is trapped on the other side. Not really caring about Set’s well-being anyway, Eric begins firing his bow at the orcs while some of them hopelessly try to hit him with javelins. Fortunately, this is apparently a band of orcs from “special education” class, and they all miss repeatedly. When all the other orcs are dead or dying, along with Set, their leader taunts Eric while he hides. He throws a javelin through his ugly face in response. Approximately six hours later, Eric figures out how to use a rope to get across the chasm and help Set.

* The two return for more healing. At least, I think they did. Who the hell knows, anyway? They got pretty beat up by those retarded orcs, though, so I guess they did. Or they used potions. Anyway, they moved on past the chasm room afterward.

* Eric and Set find a single cleric, bound and tied, along with many dead bodies in this room. Eric is careful suspecting the blatantly obvious trickery. Set, however, apparently thinks freeing the cleric who will no doubt kill them both is interesting. Eric, surprised to be alive, figures maybe something isn’t going to go wrong, and they return to the temple.

* ...except that the cleric, who was actually a vampire spawn – go figure – cuts the rope connecting the sides of the chasm with Set on the one side and Eric on the other. Unlike the last time this happened, Eric is upset, because this time the enemy is on his side. Fortunately, Set proves to be so incredibly annoying that the vampire spawn attacks him instead. Eric is left to ponder the meaning of life, but does eventually get across the chasm, albeit not wearing any armor. The battle rages throughout the crypt, with the adventurers getting a sound beating. Fortunately, a curious cleric wanders in at just the right time to cast the most beautiful cure moderate wounds spell Eric has ever seen. There is much rejoicing, as Eric and Set have a whole bunch of cool stuff they found in the crypt.

* The clerics commit highway robbery, taking everything the two found in the crypt other than +1 chain mail and a +1 mace in exchange for restoring a few measly negative levels. Oh, they give them some amulets they claim will save them from death, but only once, as a boon. Eric swears vengeance anyway.

* Eric, attempting to file an official complaint about the temple, goes to the people who are apparently in charge of this town. Unsurprisingly rejected, he figures he’ll at least mention bands of raiding orcs in the area.

* Eric and Set stumble in on a meeting with a druid known as Fenster and a warrior whose name Eric would never catch, and the two pairs of adventurers come together as one after Fenster informs Eric that the orcs who attacked him and his now fallen allies are under the command of one hag known as Endis, who they are intending to kill. Eric swears vengeance.

* The newly formed party journeys to “Gorgoldand’s Gauntlet,” where Fenster insists they will make progress towards defeating the hag. Eric thinks Fenster has a few screws loose, but follows along anyway for lack of anything better to do.

* They fight some stuff in the woods. They kill it. Either that or they didn’t fight anything in the woods. In that case, of course, they didn’t kill it.

* While trying to climb down a rope to get to the Gauntlet, Eric falls into the water beneath him. The druid, as a porpoise, manages to save most of his equipment, but a merrow named Freddy steals his magical mace. Eric swears vengeance.

* The Gauntlet itself proves to be full of annoying traps and even more annoying creatures with blowguns and access to more poison than most assassin’s guilds. Eric uses them for target practice as much as possible, when not being caught in poisoned fishhooks. The rest of the party fails to inform Eric that Freddy the merrow is back, thus preventing him from successfully having any vengeance. Eric figures, quite wrongly, that he’ll get some vengeance one of these days. After all, he’s sworn to kill roughly half of the life-forms he has interacted with since beginning his adventuring days.

* Eric laughs as the nameless warrior gets his precious armor rusted away by rust monsters, then laughs even harder when his even more precious sword is rusted away when he counterattacks the rust monsters. The laughter continues as the nameless warrior disappears in the next room, only to be found later stripped naked and shaven from head to toe. Eric would swear vengeance, but realized that not only has he already done so, but he doesn’t actually care – in fact, he thinks those annoying little creatures have a pretty good sense of humor.

* At the end of the gauntlet, the party (minus one nameless warrior) fights a dragon. The battle looks to be a long one until the druid steps in and blows the dragon into tiny pieces without any real effort. Seeing a pretty dragon-head-hilted sword, Eric grabs it. Dragons are cool. Huh huh, huh.

* After leaving the gauntlet, a pseudodragon known as Snooky visits the party. Snooky is almost annoying enough that Eric wants to swear vengeance on him, but fortunately leaves before Eric is entirely awake. He does relay the fact that some goody-two-shoes gold dragon watches anyone who has the dragon-head-hilted sword, however, thus causing Eric to give it to the goody-two-shoes warrior instead. Dragons are cool, after all, but who wants to hear a dragon complain and carry on when one is not precisely following its strict code of ethics, anyway?

* The party climbs out of the Gauntlet once and for all, only to be set upon by a hobgoblin ranger. Not surprisingly, this results in battle. Eric engages a small imp that was accompanying the hobgoblin, and the two have an epic battle on the edge of the cliff while the plants in the area attempt to grab and trip them all. Their battle ends when Eric decides that leaping off of the cliff and using his shiny new ring of feather fall, which the druid gave to him for just such an occasion, is more effective than fighting. Following the epic leap, a huge blast of holy fire smites the imp, and the nameless warrior fires spines from his magical shield to finish the beast off, at least temporarily. The battle ends while Eric is busy trying to climb back up the cliff.

* The hag Endis appears and threatens the party. The party responds by insulting the hag’s mother. The verbal battle is called a draw, and the hag returns to her super secret lair. The party makes a half-assed attempt to track her, and fails.

* The nameless warrior claims to have had dreams that told him to head to the town of… well, no one really remembers what the town is called. For all they know, it could be a town they were in before; it probably was. Anyway, he claims they should head there if they want to find Gorgoldand. Eric searches the warrior’s belongings for mind-altering substances but, finding none, has no choice but to follow the party to their near-certain doom.

* The party tracks down some people who know about the fate of Gorgoldand’s daughter, who searched for her father some years ago. The fact that she, who must have logically been at least half-gold dragon, failed in her quest somehow manages not to deter the party from their obviously foolish quest.

* The party arrives in another town with no memorable name. This town has been pretty much destroyed. They eventually run into an apparition of some person they were supposed to be looking for. Instead of inviting them to discuss their quest over tea, he viciously attacks the party, killing off both Eric and Set. The “special boons” they received from the clerics were apparently just cheap imitations, if the fact that the pair both stayed dead was any indication. Eric swears double vengeance on the clerics, assuming he somehow comes back to life.

* Eric is reincarnated as a satyr, a whimsical goat-man. He tries his best to be whimsical, but cannot quite manage it. However, he figures, it’s better than being dead. He swears vengeance on the bastard who killed him, but the party informs him that rather than killing him, they are going to go out of their way to help him. Eric is not surprised.

* The party, now with the aid of a mysterious nameless monk who arrived and joined the party without so much as a word, descend beneath the town to fight an army of intelligent bug-people, all in the name of helping the person who killed Eric and deprived him of his incredibly sexy human body. Within minutes, Eric manages to do something stupid, diving into a pit hundreds of feet deep to attack a scorpion made of crystal. He fails to hurt the thing, but thankfully also fails to die, thanks to the ring of feather fall he received oh so long ago.

* At the bottom of the pit, Eric finds a group of bug people posing and trying to pass themselves off as great fighters. Their antics give him the giggles, a condition in which he knows he cannot fight effectively. He therefore tries to talk his way out of the situation, not a tough task considering that the group’s combined intelligence is approximately that of a blade of grass.

* The rest of the party descends the shaft that Eric fell down, albeit not with nearly as much grace or style. This action ends with a climactic battle between the two parties in which the druid more or less accidentally kills three of the four bug-warriors. The fourth, after panicking and making a sphere of darkness, manages to get one lucky shot in on Eric – OK, two – and kills him.

* Eric is reincarnated again, this time as an eagle. He is happy with this form, because it is far more stylish than a satyr. Almost immediately, the party fights the queen of the bug-people. Eric circles in the dark cave, eventually using a magic feather that he received shortly after being brought back to life a second time to create a ship’s anchor, which he proceeded to fail to drop on the queen. He follows this by descending, clawing and pecking at the queen. Eventually, the nameless warrior, who had for some reason been sitting around doing nothing, decides to attack the queen. She does not fall, however, until Eric pecks at her a little bit more, thus proclaiming himself the hero. That is, he proclaims himself the hero until he remembers that he just helped the apparition who had killed him, and on whom he had sworn vengeance.

* While leaving the caverns, Eric runs into the bug-person who killed him (the second time). He wants to kill him right back, but the party falls for the bug-person’s pathetic excuse that he was “under the absolute mind control of the queen at the time.” He gives in and leaves the bug alone, and the druid goes and reincarnates his friends, all three of whom get humanoid forms. This serves to piss Eric off even more. However, they do provide him with three vials of an explosive substance to use as bombs.

* The party sets off for the town of Drial, en route to the location that the apparition who previously killed half the party told them they should go. Like fools, of course, they listen.

* Eric’s first dealings with a human since being reborn as an eagle go badly, and he ends up pecking at a man who accuses him of being a wizard’s familiar. This is especially annoying to Eric because of his unexplained extreme hatred for arcane spellcasters. He decides that he will pretend to be just an eagle around humans for the time being.

* The party takes a boat to an island where countless adventurers have gone before. Naturally, none have ever returned. They enter a dungeon that was apparently made by an insane wizard with a sick golem fetish.

* The first of many rooms the party encounters is, like the rooms to follow, full of golems. This first room is filled with all sorts of acrobatic setups, and two winged silver golems. The nameless monk and Eric do all the work themselves, with only a small contribution from the druid, and, after failing to balance on a small wooden beam – as a bird – Eric finishes the job by tossing the first of his bomb vials, which causes a much larger explosion than expected.

* The second room contained a tar pit and three tar golems. Eric did the only logical thing and tossed another bomb on them, lighting the entire area on fire and causing the battle to once again be fought almost entirely by the monk and Eric. Eric lands the final blow on all three enemies, putting his streak of consecutive enemies killed up to six.

* In what would be the final room visited by the young Eric Daravon, there were lots of mirrors, and later on, mirror images. While the rest of the party foolishly fought their opponents, Eric stood back and watched the battle. Naturally, his actions proved to be most intelligent, as he soon found out that the two mirror images were somehow linked to specific mirrors in the room. Unfortunately, the mirror images noticed him noticing this fact, and one attacked poor Eric, leaving him weakened. In a desperate bid to survive, not to mention extend his streak to seven, Eric charged at the mirror corresponding to his opponent. Sadly, he forgot that birds tend to hurt themselves more than they hurt glass when they run into it at high speeds. With the mirror image weakened but not defeated, it dealt the final blow to Eric, dropping him through an illusionary floor and into a pit. There, he bled to death, and was mourned far and wide. The day was declared a national holiday and – oh, who the hell am I kidding. The party rejoiced, and Eric’s spirit passed on to the afterlife, where he realized that not once had he ever actually gotten vengeance on those he swore it on. But oh, he’s going to kick all their asses in the afterlife.
(no subject) – April 13, 2006 6:43 PM (edited 4/13/06 2:43 PM)
Balerion (1224 posts) Elite Powergamer
Rating: Not Rated
You know, if there's anything sadder then some idiot bird flying into a window and killing itself, it's a bird with the intelligence of a human doing the same thing.

I don't think I had ever conceived of Eric's demise in that light before.

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